I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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