i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
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My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is my gift to your gina
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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