last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
