The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
