dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
