he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
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you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
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we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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