I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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