I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
