I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
We had sex on a dog bed..
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
