we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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