I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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