i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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