Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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