I wish I could teleport
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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