I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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