Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
