Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I could have mohawked her pubes.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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