Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
