There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
