She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
