I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.