Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...