If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me