got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".