First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
My ass is underappreciated
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize