Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
