while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
