Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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