I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
...so i touched it.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
