I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
