Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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