So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
pray to the hookup gods
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
