I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
