I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
