my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
