yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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