Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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