What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
