after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
