Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
