Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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