There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
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I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
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Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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