I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
