my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
