Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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