she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
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You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
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Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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