Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
