Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
you made out with another girl for some wings
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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