I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
