I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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