I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
