Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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