Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
