I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
