there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I fill condoms, not promises.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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